Muito Velho

I feel so old. I feel my childhood slipping away. It's like trying to catch water. I feel like I'm becoming clumsier and forgetful, and I want to learn piano, but I know I'll never really be good at it cause I'm too old. I keep trying, but it gets frustrating after a while. I don't really want to grow up, even though a lot of people consider me really mature. I didn't want to go to high school and I still don't.

For some reason, whenever I do play the piano, I feel this surge of nostalgia when I feel the keys vibrate beneath my fingers. That's why I want to get good at it. I want to keep feeling that feeling. It's like a drug.

I'm gone this sunday. Don't look for me, cause you won't find me. I haven't been playing attention to my phone either.

I've been really happy this week. As soon as I realized that school was over, I felt this huge weighted burden lift off me. I've been really happy alone, without anyone bothering me. I like to let the sun into my room and open all the windows. I feel like my room is part of outside, with nature or some shit like that. Then I just write my stories, or write my songs in peace. No one can bother me. It's the happiest I've been all year.

Agora ja Pasou

I'm getting better at not hating people so much. Its getting a little bit easier week by week. I find myself living week by week and somehow, the repetition makes time go by so fast. Maybe a bit too fast. I cant recall things I've done in the past two weeks. I'm not sure if its a good thing or a bad thing. ehhh depends on the situation... like everything else.

I dont think I really have many friends, but its okay because I dont care about the people that arent my friends because they probably dont care about me. My true friends are there, but I'm always worried they'll do something to make me hate them.

Im growing out of this place. Even though ive never truly been planted in. Never been accepted... I cant wait to find a place where I can truly be accepted. That school in NY with less than 200 kids sounds good about now. I'd like to think id be okay in a little place where everyone accepts me, or in a huge place where no one knows me and it doesnt matter if they accept me.

I used to hate it whenever i was excluded out of things, picked for last, not wanted. Now, iguess i dont care what about peoples opinions. It might be my self-esteem rising up a few centimetres. Its like, why would it matter if people cared? Maybe its because I dont have any respect for many people. They seem to be so spoiled and superficial that it almost makes me puke to have them in my sights. Its okay, dont include me, i insist.

Thats why Im so excited to go to Brasil in two weeks. No one except for my family will know me. No one will know me. Its like i wont even be there. Like one face in an ocean of millions through the streets of an overpopulated city. Try to find me then.

I cant wait to get away from here. Even if it is for only two weeks.

Onde estou?

It sucks getting treated different from everyone. not belonging anywhere; too little time there, not enough time here. i hate it. Maybe thats why i used to want so much attention. now i just want people to leave me alone. Theres no point in being accepted if theyre only gonna like you half way. I dont care what people think. I think its time that i embrace not being accepted. society and the majority piss me off.

It can sometimes get to me. I feel so disconnected from everywhere i go. even in my own family. im so different from them. and i did rebel from them and their lifestyle. cept they dont really know. Its gonna be that way until im gone far away from them and everyone i know. just three more years and ill be gone. never have to come back again.

im kinda excited that in just three years ill be gone and if i want to never have to come back. i can change my name and move anywherei want to. best of all, no one will know me. i can start anew and maybe be kinda happy. that thought is really exciting

Eu Sinto Nada

Eyes are heavy with our daily lives
So dont tell me it's alright
Take a walk around the park
See the saints crumbling down
and although this sight is old
Reminds me of childhood

nao aguento mais. preciso sair deste lugar. eu estou vivindo uma vida tao falsa.
e agora? nao sei o que fazer. alguien vai me ajudar? acho que nao. tudo bem. eu ja sabia disto faz tempo.

Ali no Parquinho

What to do? Now that I figured out my problems, its not like its gonna help out at all. People will be people, and I guess I'll always be me. Nothing I can do about it.

These days, nothing is better than a walk in the park with someone that you don't hate. Actually quite the opposite of hate. Spending time with someone that cares and that I can relate to really makes me happy. It's so nice after spending the day in an environment that puts you down and sets you apart in their judgemental standards. It was one of the best times I've had in the past two years.